My first visit to the gym since Pantsgate and I'm mortified to see my boxer shorts pinned to the main noticeboard with a handwritten note:

Are these your pants?

If so, you may have my pants. My own pants disappeared on Tuesday afternoon (2nd January). Perhaps you accidentally picked up my pants instead of yours (although I can't imagine how as the two pairs of pants are not at all similar in appearance)?

I am very keen for my pants to be returned since they have significant sentimental value as they are the pants I was wearing when I met my wife.

If you think you may be wearing my pants, please contact reception to arrange a time for me to come and check your pants to see if they are in fact my pants.

I'm sure I'm being paranoid but I can't help wondering whether a usable DNA sample can be obtained from a pair of worn pants. I start to wish I'd watched more episodes of CSI and consider renting one of the box sets from Blockbuster.

I suppose even if it were possible to get a sample they would still have to match it to me.