I was back in the library this morning for the first time since Easter and I realised that it's been quite some time since I updated my online catalogue of peculiar co-habitants.

I haven't seen The Gangsta Unwrappa for several weeks — either he's been banned or has moved up in the world, perhaps now terrorising a slightly larger library or even a local museum — but the void has been quickly filled by some new and exciting personalities.

So by way of compensation, here's a cut-out-and-keep cast member profile double bill:

No 5: The Coarse Whisperer

The Coarse Whisperer is a rather shy, middle-aged man who shuffles into the library most days, unpacks several impressively weighty textbooks from his rucksack, sits down, and then proceeds to swear loudly under his breath.

It is almost impossible to comprehend much of what he is saying beyond the expletives themselves, but my best guess is that it is some kind of stream-of-consciousness rant.

I don't think he's aware of his own vocalisations because he always seems confused by the strange looks he invites from the other people in the library.

After five or ten minutes the potty-mouthed monologue usually subsides, perhaps as he becomes more engrossed in his books.

No 6: The ASBO Postmistress

No.6 is a relatively recent visitor to the library and to be honest I've only seen her twice, but she's already left quite an impression.

The ASBO Postmistress is a very large, angry-looking woman who sits in the middle of the reference library, pulls out a big carrier bag of hand-addressed envelopes and applies stamps to them with a vigour and a volume far in excess of that required by the task at hand. Never has "unnecessary force" been so ably demonstrated (at least not by a fat lady in a library).

She tears each stamp very carefully from a large sheet, moistens it with a flick of a tongue reminiscent of Jabba The Hutt's, places it with great intention in the top right-hand corner of the envelope, and then secures it in place with a single blow from her not inconsiderable fist.

The resulting noise levels would be more suited to a timber yard than a library but any looks of disdain from those around her are quickly quashed by a fearsome scowl.

This behaviour does beg a couple of questions:

• Why is she doing this in a library not a post office?
• And what exactly is in the envelopes?

I will leave the first question as an optional exercise for the reader, but for second I personally think the answer is either multiple entries for a competition where the prize is a year's supply of something edible (and by 'edible' I include cat food), or it's hate mail addressed to people selected randomly from the phonebook.

For the last couple of months I've been subscribed to an internet dating site, and I've recently discovered an interesting quirk that adds a whole new dimension when browsing for potential dates.

When you first register on the site you are asked to provide a username, which is the name other people see when they view your profile. Usernames seem to range from the functional, such as 'JaneSmith74', to the whimsical, like 'SmileySquirrel'.

It's sometimes fun to try to guess what people's profiles will be like based on their username, but something that I only noticed over the weekend is that if you go to one of the site's summary pages — for instance the page that lists everyone who's added you as a 'favourite' — long usernames get truncated so they can be displayed in the compact, two-column layout.

Specifically, any username over 12 characters long gets chopped off, so for example, 'SmileySquirrel' becomes 'SmileySquirr...'. In most cases this is fine, but for a few unlucky subscribers the shortened form gives their profile a whole new slant.

Once I'd worked this out, I spent a couple of happy hours on Saturday trawling the site for the usernames that suffer most cruelly from being cut off in their prime.

So, here is my top ten list of female subscribers who might want to seriously consider changing their usernames or risk attracting entirely the wrong kind of attention, or indeed no attention at all:

1. iwillblowyoursocksoff
2. must_luv_poodles
3. HelpDoMyButtonsUp
4. RestlessWombat
5. I_Love_Cracker_Jokes
6. CouldItBeFate
7. CinnamonMuffin
8. Might_Be_Made_For_You
9. AmyLikesCocktails
10. FaithfulMongrel

I went out on a date on Friday night with a girl who, it turned out, works for a partwork publishing house. I soon realised I was familiar with the concept of partwork publishing, I just hadn't realised that was what it was called.

Partworks are those collectible weekly or monthly magazines that build over time into a larger reference volume. They often have have cover-mounted 'giveaways' and the first issue is usually heavily-discounted to get people hooked.

Romantically the evening was nothing to get too excited about, but it did get me thinking about those magazines, and the very next time I was in the local newsagents I couldn't help having a good dig around on the lower shelves to see if I could find any of the publications she had mentioned.

It didn't take me long to find her latest title: Germs & Microbes — "a fascinating weekly publication that builds into a definitive work of reference on hundreds of types of viral and bacterial pathogens".

Issue 1 was only £2.99 (usual price £5.99) and included a free scale model (in colourful, high-quality plastic) of the Staphylococcus aureus bacterium, better known in its infamous, antibiotic-resistant form, MRSA.

I found more partwork titles by the same publisher — including Knives, Forks & Spoons (builds into a complete six-setting cutlery canteen over 24 weeks) and Pebble Collector (free display case with Issue 1) — but was soon distracted by some of the other niche magazines on offer.

Here are three of my favourites together with tempting extracts from their contents pages:

Whistling Magazine

"The weekly publication that caters to all levels of whistlers, from seasoned professionals to those trying whistling for the very first time."

• Wolf-whistling — Is it real whistling or just a tuneless imposter?
• Speaking Volumes — We find out how many decibels the average whistle registers, and ask the important question: just how loud is too loud?
• Whistle While You Work — Interviews with ten people, from builders to shepherds, who rely on whistling in their professional lives
• Whistle & Hum 08 — A preview of next month's exhibition at Earls Court and exclusive interviews with two of the keynote whistlers

The Stalker

"The magazine for surveillance professionals and casual obsessives alike."

• Cyber-stalking — Is this the beginning of the end for traditional stalking? We talk to four experts.
• Watching Through Rose-Tinted Binoculars? — Is your target really worthy of your attentions, or is it time for a change? Seven sure signs that it's time to ditch your current target and upgrade
• Holidays: Your Choice Or Theirs? — We tackle the tricky question of whether you should follow your target on their trip abroad, or plan a vacation of your own
• Tech Corner — Our propellerheads take you step-by-step through the process for uploading your covert footage to YouTube, and show you how to make sure only you and your target have access

Hiders & Seekers

"All the lastest news, gossip and techniques from the exciting world of Hide & Seek."

• Does Size Really Matter? — Many of the world's greatest hiders have been five feet tall or less, but is size important, or is it really true that "it's not how big you are, it's where you hide yourself"?
• Red Hot Hiding Places — We look at all the lastest trends and ask: is "under the bed" the new "in the wardrobe"?
• Ask The Pros — "Quick and dirty or slow and thorough?" Three times WHSA champion seeker Bob Wallace answers this and other questions sent in by our H&S readers
• "My 60° Hell!" — We talk to a man who hid in a washing machine and lived to tell the tale
• Rules & Regulations — We look at controversial proposals from the NHSA to impose a maximum one hour seeking time and find out what this could mean for endurance hide and seek competitions...

My meeting on Tuesday with BBC Radio Light Entertainment went ahead as planned and I pitched the three ideas I mentioned in the previous entry. To be honest, the response wasn't as positive as I'd hoped, but it wasn't all bad news.

They quite liked Cell Mates, my bumbling terror cell comedy, but sadly felt it was too similar in subject matter to something already in development, a sitcom called Boyz in the Hoodz about three friends who set up Bristol's first Ku Klux Klan chapter.

Frankly they weren't at all keen on Alien Flatshare, saying that they felt that the idea of six different alien species sharing an off-planet domestic situation had been done to death. I'd not even heard of Six Degrees of Alienation, which was apparently broadcast on Radio 4 last year, so that was all a bit embarrassing. Mental note to self: do your research.

They did, however, feel that The Spearmint Badger "had legs" (their pun, not mine) so I'm going to spend some time over the next few days working that up into a full treatment.

They also gave me a tantalising sneak preview of some of the programmes that would be hitting the airwaves in the Spring, including a six-part comedy series about a pair of homosexual ghosts who become foster parents to a living child, called My Two Dead Dads.

Tomorrow I've got a meeting at Broadcasting House to pitch some narrative comedy ideas for Radio 4, so today I've been putting some thought into exactly what I should present.

I find it's always a challenge to strike the right balance between, for instance, trying to come up with something really original, and making sure it's not so "out there" that no producer will be brave enough to touch it.

Also, when it comes to actually writing a script, as much as you want to make sure it reflects your own individual style, each channel has a distinctive tone so ultimately you've always got to make some concessions to that.

Anyway, here's a short taster of the three ideas I've decided to pitch to the BBC tomorrow morning:

Cell Mates

Cell Mates is an original sitcom set in the small, but recognisable world of homegrown terrorism.

Ahmed, Saeed and Fayez are firm friends and founding members of the world's stupidest and worst-organised Islamic extremist terror cell. Each week Cell Mates follows the exploits of these three amigos as they try their best to carry out atrocious acts of terror. Of course, through bad luck or — more usually — bad planning, their attempts always fail, often with hilarious results.

In the pilot episode, Ahmed phones in a terror threat but forgets to withhold his number, Saeed accidentally gives himself anthrax while planning a bio-attack, and Fayez learns the hard way that while No More Nails might be great for putting up shelves without a hammer, it's not a good substitute for the real thing in an improvised explosive device.

Alien Flatshare

"Modern life can be complicated, particularly when your friends are literally from another planet."

Alien Flatshare focuses on the lives and loves of six unlikely flatmates sharing a low-gravity, loft-style apartment on one of Jupiter's trendy outer moons.

In the pilot episode: Rooob thinks he's falling for MnyKKa and would love to surprise her with a kiss but doesn't know how to approach it because she has no discernable mouth parts; Jax-t and Tcho' have a big argument about keeping nitrogen in the flat — for Jax-t it's essential for life, but for Tcho' it's a deadly toxin; and all hell breaks loose when Qoomagh's cousins arrive unexpectedly and Mn Mn Mn accidentally eats them, thinking they are the exotic snacks she ordered from the local takeaway.

The Spearmint Badger

The Spearmint Badger is a half-hour sitcom about a dairy farmer on the brink of bankruptcy who decides that the only way out of his financial troubles is to open the country's first rural lap-dancing club.

In the pilot episode, The Spearmint Badger's big opening night is very nearly a complete disaster when the bus bringing in exotic dancers from Eastern Europe is stopped at immigration and Farmer Maguire is left with a club full of horny punters and no entertainment.

Just as things are about to turn nasty, the farmer's wife saves the day by putting on a special show of her own, while the farmer himself discovers a lucrative sideline by putting his milking machine to ingenious use in the back room, resulting in a stream of very satisfied customers.

I'm pretty confident the people at Radio Light Entertainment will go for at least one of these ideas, but you never know, so wish me luck.

I promise I'll let you know how I get on.