Just to update you after yesterday's post, this was what I came up with for the auction-related gags written late last night to order for my friends currently playing auctioneers in L.A.:

“And the next lot is:

• ... a personalised Hollywood “Walk Of Fame” star, perfect for...

  ...anyone who thinks they can cement a brass star into a public footpath in the middle of the night without getting caught.

• ... a court artist's sketch of Michael Jackson during his 2005 trial, perfect for...

  ...stimulating conversation at your next cheese and Jesus juice party.

• ... a private tour of a maximum security prison, perfect for...

  ... anyone who's ever wondered what it's like on Death Row, but not enough to take a life.”

Strangely the one which apparently went down the best was this:

• “...a pristine condition Fender Stratocaster guitar, perfect for...

  ... anyone who's always wanted to play the guitar, but has an irrational fear of music shops.”