It's the right side of midnight and I've just got back from North London after watching an comedy show performed by a bunch of people who study with the same improvised theatre company as me. And very good it was too.

I was just starting to think about going to bed when my mobile phone rang. A very good friend is currently out in L.A. and has somehow managed to get himself and another friend roped into hosting a charity auction attended by the great and good. Aaron Sorkin (Mr West Wing) was supposed to be there, but apparently pulled out at the last minute.

In previous years I'm told this event has been a little dry and so my friends have either been volunteered, or have volunteered themselves, to bring a little levity to proceedings.

And in this game of Who Wants To Be An Auctioneer?, I've been chosen as the phone a friend. I've got about an hour to come up with a bunch of gags that can be used when introducing the various items on offer, including:

• a flight in a de Havilland Chipmunk vintage airplane
• a personalised Hollywood "Walk Of Fame" Star (just the star though, not a place on the Boulevard)
• a court artist's sketch of Michael Jackson during the 2005 trial
• a private tour of a maximum security prison with lunch cooked by one of the inmates

In addition, they've decided that all of the material has to follow a certain pattern — “...and the next lot is (insert item here), perfect for (insert gag here)”.

All I've got so far is:

“...and the next lot is a flight in a de Havilland Chipmunk vintage airplane, perfect for anyone who's never been inside a chipmunk, or at least wouldn't own up to it in public...”

Hopefully further inspiration will strike before I get too sleepy. They're on in two hours...