Turns out the foodie theme was a bit trickier than I anticipated, but I did manage to come up with three nosh-themed cracker jokes, including my first attempt at one of those "end justifies the means" slightly rambling contrived puns...
A new range of Christmas cards has been issued featuring domestic scenes from the lives of famous philosophers. One features a young Bertrand Russell engaged in a lively debate with a friend, whilst having his hair cut by his father, Viscount Amberley, who appears to be standing rather too close to the open fire.
It is entitled "B Russell Spouts And Roast Pa Snips".
What's the difference between Michael Caine and Bernard Matthews?
Michael Caine will at least admit he's been in a few turkeys.
What's a turkey's favourite search engine?
Gobble.
Also had this one in from Alexandra C. :
What do you call a plate of turkey and roast pesetas?
Christmas dinero.
That one inspired another which would work much better as a cartoon. Imagine a very aggressive-looking turkey, standing on a table surrounded by crackers and all the trimmings, saying “You talkin' to me?”, obviously with the caption “Christmas De Niro”.
I also received a mammoth, rambling one from Dom G. on an earlier topic of reindeer, which merits inclusion for sheer effort alone.
In the winter of 1988, Dolph Lundgren was shooting the film Red Scorpion. He was playing the memorable character Lt. Nikolai Rachenko. He was coming into the film off the back of such movie history making greats as Masters of the Universe, Rocky IV and A View to a Kill.
I don't know if you knew this, but Hans (that's his real first name) has a masters degree in chemical engineering, was the European Heavyweight karate champion and the Team Leader of the 1996 US Olympic Pentathlon Team.
I first met him on the set of Red Scorpion, where I was working as a rigger during a highly unsuccessful stint as a screenwriter cum gear-lugger. He and I got on fairly well, sharing as we do a keen interest in buckminster fullerine, which had only been discovered three years previously.
My rigging colleague at the time was a gorgeously queeny young man called Jolyon, who was hopelessly unsuited to the job (as was I) - and whose passion for fashion was matched only by his unrequited passion for the leading man in the movie.
Over lunch breaks, Hans and I would sit and discuss likely uses for fullerines, while Jolyon would sit and ogle the movie star, offering to fetch anything he needed and generally ingratiating himself in any way he could. Hans, I think, thought he was rather sweet and tried to treat him kindly whilst keeping him at arms length.
One day, during a break in filming, we were joined by Richard Bruno, the costume designer, who everyone knew as 'Threads'. He and Jolyon were great friends, and for once Jolyon's attention was off Hans as he swapped fashion tips and the occasional bitchy swipe with Richard. It was pouring down outside - big fat drops of water were drumming on the roof of the soundstage, if it kept going like that, we weren't going to get much more filming done that day. I was aware that the 6' 5" form of my co-chemist was a little twitchy - he hated being cooped up inside and would much rather have been getting on with the filming. I tried to distract him with the suggestion that C60 would quite likely make a excellent basis for building nanotubes, but he was not to be so easily mollified. Frankly he was quite determined to go outside and see if there was enough light to film a few action sequences. Richard was horrified - "Think of the continuity darling" he said, "Lord, you'll be soaked to the skin and we'll have to match it streak for muddy streak on your hair, skin and clothes for weeks to come - please sit down" and he made as if to grab Hans and stop him from going outside.
Now it's a brave man who tries to stop a 6' 5" karate champion from doing what he wants, especially when he's been stuck inside for too long and his patience is wearing thin. I suppose it wasn't exactly surprising that Hans gave Richard a gentle nudge back into his seat. Nor was it surprising that his idea of 'gentle' and Richard's didn't exactly coincide.
"I just think you should stay inside until it's stopped !" Richard whimpered as he shivered in his seat.
Jolyon though was more forthright - I think he was disappointed in his idol and it made him angry and not a little stern.
"Rude Dolph ! Threads knows rain dear !" he shrieked.
Did I mention he had a very shiny nose ?
You don't see enough Shaggy Dolph stories any more...
One last round of puns and I'm opening it right up — anything Chistmassy goes.
True to the new Monday is Man-day rule, I pull a proper entry together for the start of the week then publish the best of the crackers on Christmas Eve.
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